Ask Tim Carter

Blue Angels Backseat Ride

Yesterday I got the needed medical clearance for wheels up so I can take a one-hour VIP ride in the backseat of an F/A-18 Hornet. The Hornet is one of the top strike fighter aircraft in the world right now. But wait, it gets better. The pilot is also one of the best on the planet's face. He is the #7 pilot of the Blue Angels.

Last week I received an invitation from the entire Blue Angels Flight Demonstration Team to take this ride of a lifetime. The entire Blue Angels air and ground support team voted for me because they feel I can write a powerful story that will help raise awareness about all of the wonderful things the Blue Angels, US Navy and the Marines do for us on a daily basis.

This will not be the first time I have written a story about the US Navy. Six years ago I had the splendid opportunity to land on an aircraft carrier and be shot off the catapult the following day. The story I wrote about that experience is one that is read by many people each day.

If all goes well, you should see my new story about this upcoming Blue Angels experience in a month. Wish me luck and a settled stomach!

Napoleon Dynamite Movie

The Napoleon Dynamite movie is simply fantastic. My family watched it months ago while I was out of town on business and have raved about it ever since. Finally this past weekend I got to watch it with them as my wife purchased the DVD. Napoleon Dynamite is so funny at one point I almost passed out while laughing.

There is a Napoleon or two at every high school in the USA. In fact, you know someone who is exactly like every character in the movie. The simplistic but realistic screenplay of the movie is one of its best qualities. It is so unlike any modern movie I can ever recall seeing.

What sets Napoleon Dynamite apart from mainstream movies is it is a movie the entire family can watch. There is no sex, no violence, no foul language, etc. In fact, I am sort of puzzled as to how it got a PG rating. I would have rated it a G movie, gosh!

This movie is best viewed on a DVD player because one section of the ROM portion of the DVD allows you to listen to commentary from the producer and two of the lead actors. It is fascinating listening to them talk as the movie plays. The ideas that generated some of the scenes will blow you away. Keep in mind this commentary is an option. The movie plays in regular mode just as any DVD or VHS tape so you just hear the soundtrack and actors lines.

Napoleon Dynamite is a movie you need to see twice or even three times to extract all of the humor that is on the magic disk. You will see yourself in this movie if you are 21 years of age or older. It will whisk you back to those high school days filled with awkwardness and bravado.

No doubt after you watch it, your skills will improve so you can get more sweet hookups like Pedro's cousins. You may also go out and buy a candy-apple red metallic convertible. I know it is now on my list of must-have cars. Shuweet!

Finally, I offer you my protection if you watch this movie. You will learn all about underwater explosives, things that are bred for skills and magic and how smart it is to build a cake if you need a date to a high school dance.

Napoleon Dynamite is becoming a cult classic for very good reasons. You will howl with laughter and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did! Can I have your tots?

Terri Schiavo Disaster

There are millions, perhaps billions of words being written and spoken about the tragic events unfolding in Florida right now. A middle-aged woman, Terri Schiavo, is being starved to death, perhaps against her wishes.

I have been thinking about this for several days and as much as I dislike additional laws, it may be time for one.

Kathleen Parker, a syndicated columnist based in Florida, got close to my thinking in a syndicated column that appeared in my local newspaper the Cincinnati Enquirer this morning. Since I am also a syndicated columnist, perhaps she did hit the mark and the content was cut by the newspaper for space reasons.

Here is what has been bothering me for the past week. Poor Terri Schiavo can't talk! If she could, who do you think would be the person she called after she reamed a new orifice in her husband's backside? I would venture to say the best divorce attorney in Florida.

If you are to believe certain reports, she hasn't talked for years because her therapy was cut off by her husband. If these same reports are accurate, Terri's husband Michael has clearly abandoned her. To add insult to injury, he went so far as to shack up with another woman and father two children with this trollop. I say trollop because if she were a decent woman, she would insist Michael divorce Terri before he slipped under the sheets with her.

If Terri could have divorced her husband years ago, we would possibly not be having this discussion. Maybe she would have executed a vaild, written living will that outlined her wishes to end her suffering. But then again maybe she would have legally transferred her care back to her loving parents. If things keep going the direction they are headed now, we will never know as Terri will die before she gets needed nutrition and therapy. If she dies soon, she silently takes her thoughts, wishes, love and anger to the grave.

So I believe it is time for a new law that defines abandonment or actions of a spouse that clearly allow a person to automatically be granted a divorce. Infidelity sure seems to be the reason for many divorces now, so why couldn't the court grant Terri a divorce based upon the situation? We all know that if she could file a simple divorce action, she would be granted one in all likelihood based upon the facts as we see them.

I am not saying I have this idea perfected, but it may be time for a discussion among experts who do know the law. I'll bet if we think about it long enough we could identify 25 or more direct analogies.

For example, if a radar or laser gun is pointed at my car and it says I am going 55 mph in a 25 mph zone, I get a ticket, pay a fine and it is a done deal. So if a man abandons his wife, sleeps with another woman openly, fathers extra children, etc. he also gets punished. This doesn't seem to be rocket science to me.

Christopher P. Finney - Comedian?

Among other things, I happen to be a licensed real estate broker in the State of Ohio. The state requires licensed brokers and salespeople to take 30 hours of continuing education every 3 years. This is a very good thing. So today, I am in my last class of my 30 hours and the instructor reels me in hook, line, sinker and pole.

I was taking a class about the legal aspects of new construction taught by Christopher P. Finney, Esq. He is a partner in the firm Finney, Stagnaro, Saba & Klusmeier Co., L.P.A.

Early in the class Christopher starts talking about the difficulty of describing, in a legal contract, a house that has not yet been built. He says, "The first three dimensions you have to describe are the width, length and height of the house." He was referring broadly to the plans and specifications of a typical house. "What is the fourth dimension that needs to be addressed," Mr. Finney said.

I burst out, "Time!" "Correct," Chris says and quickly explains that a completion date should be in a contract.

Then he asks to the class, "What is the fifth dimension?" Feeling my oats I respond, "Quality issues!" Chris looks at me and says, "No, it was a vocal group popular way back when."

The class laughed as I was brought out of the bucket and up onto the stump to get filleted. All I can say is the mild amount of humiliation was death on a stick. But I deserved it.

NOTE TO SELF: Don't be so ambitious to answer questions posed by an attorney.